| you know, i think i should've deleted this like 500 years ago.. if i was born then, but i didn't and there's really no point in writing this down, well typing, when i have so many essays due monday, but i'm a procrastinator,...always have been., always will be...i just feel like getting this off my mind... ...i wonder what it's like to be in love... or if that's even an actual emotion...is it like happiness and sadness...that it is there momentarily and then just disappears or changes gradually into something else...or is it some unknown "thing" , for no better word? this has really been bothering me... some ppl think it's just a fluttery feeling u feel in ur stomach or a giant flop at seeing someone, or even thinking about them at random times....which makes u happy...well, this applies to me on all three accounts, but i think i'm to young to love...i might love my family...maybe not my bro too much, but yes...it might be love, and i still have that doubt in my mind that it's just, (and this may sound shallow or something like that, but what can i say...), me being happy that someone seems to notice me as something other than a friend....i remember feeling his eyes on me, but not realizing what it meant... i still think it's my mind getting too far away from me... it might have just him checking out the weird wardrobe i had on that day (and damn was it weird)...but i still want to believe it was something else... then, when he helped me out when i was lost ( in the literal sense) i felt happy and thought about him more than before...finally coming to the conclusion that i liked him as more than someone i had met the day before...but, he was older than me...more mature i guess u could say tho, all those smart ppl on tv say girls are 2 years more mature than boys...which would be perfect considering he's two years older. but, he seems unreachable in relation to where i stand (we stand at eye level tho, which is funny) ...we might both be "nerds" cs of where we go to school, but he seems to "cool" (wow, my vocabulary sux) everything about him says amazing to me... tho i rarely see him with other girls...that's probably just me tho, seeing as i don't catch him in the hallways that often. hi best friend is really nice too, tho, but he's always surrounded by girls...they are like complete opposites... i have always noticed, that me and my friend had some things in common, in particular, our interests in guys... i always seemed to kno who she liked cuz it was usually who i liked...before, this wasn't a problem, cuz we both knew we weren't even close to getting the guy we liked, and then, when i started liking him, i thought, finally we like two different ppl, tho they weren't very different, seeing as they were related...wow..even then, we didn't deviate too much. so i was in my happy little world, cuz i never, after the 4th grade, told anyone who i liked, and i still hadn't told anyone...this all changed this year during a game i should have refused to play anyway, but it's too late for that now, and that brings up a whole different story, which i won't go into. then, out of the blue, she tells me she like the same guy i like...i was a little surprised but not too much...he wasn't exactly the unnoticable type...but i sort of always knew he wouldn't look at me... especially not with so many better looking girls with nicer personalities who were smarter and more outgoing, tho, i am actually very hyper and helpful when i need to be. this might sound like i have the lowest of the low self-esteem, but that is actually pretty good...that doesn't mean i'm exaggerating about what i said before... that's what happens when you get into a school for the "gifted' or whatever u want to call it...there are just so many other people just as good at things, or even better than u. u learn to deal with it tho... what makes me feel even worse tho, is that i don't even really know him... i met him during a project for school when we went to his brother's house, and that's when i first saw him. tho, for some reason, i remember not paying too much attention to him. i did noticed he looked at me, but i was too busy noticing the guy who was sitting next to me...it wasn't my fault, but i did get nervous around him...the only thing i noticed was that he seemed tall, and very nice...he readily accepted to being a part of our group project, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. i didn't even look at his face until i looked up and caught him looking at me...i looked away tho..i could never look at other ppl for too long...it made me nervous...especially if they were good-looking. i fall for that very quickly...and it doesn't help that my face turns beet red when i get nervous or embaressed.... ....and guess what happens when i see him? yep...tomato anyone? i try not to act differently when i'm around him, but i usually become quiet and serious...kind of like him, while my friend tends to become crazy and hyper...which probably catches his attention more...and she is really pretty, tho we're both out of luck when it comes to origins...ppl from the same country usually stick together...and this almost certainly applies to him, cuz i look nothing like him...damn...my life doesn't never go my way does it? nope...thought so... ok... i think i've written more than enough...and got a lot off my chest in one go...i never knew this was so fun...now watch someone that knows me come check this site which i haven't used in like 4 years and see this...that would be just my luck...or even worse, in my opinion, the guy i'm talking about...he could probably figure out who i'm talking about...but i'll be optimistic...i guess i'll go now...bye...i guess... |
